In need of a place to document the return of a friend that lays stagnant...

I don't know what triggers her, why she feels the need to slowly creep into my life an devour every thought, every obsession relates to her...and i hate her. but i love her. how can you hate what you created? Things aren't stressful, nor are they hectic. they're adventurous and exciting. Meeting new people and exploring new places. exchanging experience for experience.

So WHY IS SHE BACK?

I hate the cycles...for the last few months i was so eccstaticly happy with how things have been, i suppose i'm attributing my steady decline to the entrapment of my curious mind in a 3x4m room for 23hours a day. I'm living on an army base in a city i'm newly discovering with a boy i'm marrying. However, if you're not apart of the defense force you can't walk around here un escorted, and this boy has work. Maybe it's when im left to my own thoughts that i initiate self destruct/destest?
I cried last night over the state of my 'healthy' body. 54kg has never been healthy in my standards.I know from experience that the moment the first tear rolls down my cheek it's too late.

The persistence of this familiar obsession will be the death of me...in the most literal of all senses...and i wish i could stop her.

but i don't know how

and that scares me

i wish i could see myself through the eyes of others, neglecting to notice the flaws, the numbers that determine the worth, the intake that determines the beauty...the control.

fucking anna.